Marriage – How has it changed?

Sorry to have taken so long to complete this survey summary! This was obviously a difficult survey for people to complete. There were 102 people who started it and only 66 actually completed it. 22 people however were disqualified for either not being married or were only interested in the results. The rest of them pretty much dropped out after question 6 or 8. I was actually quite nervous to post this one as I had a sense that it might be probing just a little too much. 

To see full results of the survey including individuals comments Click Here

 
It was pointed out to me that many people still have 18+ year olds living at home and I probably should have included them as well. The survey skipped you over a few questions if you answered no to this unfortunately.

  • Q1 How old are you?
    70% of those who completed the survey were between 41 and 60 years old.
  • Q6 Has having children had an impact on the intimacy with your partner?
    40% of people who still have children at home had no idea life would be so different or wondered what the hell happened to them. 31% apparently were reasonably prepared for the changes.
  • Q7 Since having children, is your partner….?
    13% say that their wife is still pretty much interested in sex the same way she always was. That is awesome but the remaining 67% are having a much less satisfying experience unfortunately. What a shame!! Of course we recognize that there are many reasons for this and I think I am going to do a blog to expand on that because from my own personal life, I know that men can sometimes be oblivious to how they might be fueling this behaviour.
  • Q8 Was your partner highly sexual in the early years of marriage or living together?
    Only 13% said that their spouse was not really sexual in the beginning. It appears that living together and having children changed the dynamic for 33%. Do you think that it is the “I have him now, I don’t have to try hard anymore mentality”, possibly boredom, or is it just the busy life that allows it to just die off?
  • Q9 Are you satisfied with the level of intimacy at home (even if you see an escort)?
    25% of men apparently are. This is consistent with an earlier survey that showed that a certain number of men see an escort for the variety aspect versus an unhappiness of their sex life at home.
  • Q10 If you are not satisfied with the level of intimacy, what is the biggest issue?
    30% feel that there is not enough physical connection and 26% not enough physical or emotional connection.
  • Q11 If you are / were unhappy with some aspect of your relationship, how long did you ponder before deciding to see an escort?
    The average in this case is between 2 to 10 years.
  • Q12 I remain in the relationship because:
    Overwhelmingly 79% say that “I love my wife but seeing an escort allows me to get what I need, and maintain what I have at home.” So some might question whether this is settling for a mediocre life and others might say that relationships are about compromise. After all, no one is perfect. How do you feel?
  • Q13 Is it important to you for your partner to initiate sex?
    44% of men think that it makes them feel wanted and 17% just don’t like being the one to always have to initiate. Perhaps if the wife did initiate, they would feel wanted too. 35% are either taking turns or don’t feel it is necessary.
  • Q14 If your partner says “no” to sex, do you feel:
    59% of men felt that they were either being personally rejected or that their needs didn’t matter to their partner. 27% have stopped asking presumably because they don’t want to feel rejected or feel like they don’t matter. Another 20% feel unloved or unimportant. I believe all these feelings hurt!
    Have you considered the variety of reasons that could explain why she doesn’t want to participate? Some of which you may play a roll in, by the way.


    • There are always a number of competing priorities in a busy life, having sex is a big one for you, but is it for her?  
    • What other priorities is she juggling which moves you further down the list? (Can you help with any of those so you can rise to the top?)
    • Where is attending to your wife and her needs, on your list?
    • Do you think that for some reason she isn’t feeling that close to you emotionally and therefore doesn’t want to have sex?
    • Could your wife be harboring some anger about other unresolved issues and this is her way of expressing it?
    • Do you wonder if you are no longer sexually attractive to her? Have you let yourself go? Has she let herself go?
    • Perhaps she is physically exhausted (what can you do to help in that area?)
    • Did you spring the idea of sex on her at the last minute? Some women like to have time to prepare (shaving, douching etc.)
    • Have you figured out her preferences for a romantic evening? Some like the slow lead up and others are happy to just jump to it.
    • Do you feel your wife is rejecting you because she really doesn’t love you?

           What about the 14% who hope that she feels like having sex tomorrow?

    • What is their mindset? 
    •  Do they have a closer emotional relationship with their spouse and they know beyond a shadow of doubt that she loves him?
    • Are they taking into consideration the type of day she has had or how she might be physically feeling that day? Realizing it may not have anything to do with them at all?

Please see my blog Why Women Don’t Want to Have Sex which expands on this topic a little further.

    • Q15 Have the feelings above contributed to your decision to see an escort?
      61% of people say yes. So here is what I find quite curious, is having sex about the physical relief/release or is it more of an emotional experience than we first thought? Everyone believes the majority of women equate sex to love but almost no one would agree that is the case for men. Yet when we look at how men experience the rejection of their wife in this regard, the majority ARE emotionally hurt.
      So 61% feel that it has caused them seek out an escort, are they really just going for the sexual gratification? Or unconsciously are they wanting to have an emotional need filled? I believe it may be more for the latter than they are aware of. They are not looking for a girlfriend or to start an affair, that’s for sure and I get that! However, it could explain the strong connection I feel with many of my clients. I am a loving, caring, empathetic, accepting and affectionate woman. I believe this may be important to many of the men I see, but certainly not all. I can feel the difference in an encounter with someone who is just there to get his rocks off (for lack of a more delicate description) and one who needs and wants that great big hug and all the loving I have to offer.
    • Q16 How do you feel/react if your partner says she doesn’t like something you are doing in bed?
      I am extremely curious about the 27% that answered they stop what they are doing immediately and switch to something else. Why is that? One of the other options I gave was to ask her what she would like you to do differently and 35% do that. I may be reading too much into the answer but my first reaction was that your feelings were hurt.
      Unless your partner has told you repeatedly she doesn’t like something, how are you supposed to know?? You can’t plain and simple. Stop accepting responsibility for something that is not yours. Use the opportunity to ask her for some valuable feedback. Ask her questions about what it is that doesn’t work for her. The inability to accept your partners feedback in a constructive way, tells her she better just shut up and endure something she doesn’t like because you react in a negative way. This alone can result in a woman not wanting to have sex with you, period.
    • Q17 Are you comfortable providing your partner with feedback in bed?
      Of the people 27% of people who switch it up when they get negative feedback, 26% of those people felt comfortable to give their partner feedback. 30% feel like they are going to hurt her feelings if they do. Is that because their feelings are hurt when they get the feedback themselves? 13% are just not comfortable in giving her feedback. Are they projecting their fears on to her perhaps? 
    • Q18 In hindsight, would you have married/lived with the same woman knowing her sexuality as you do now? Only 23% of people would not want to have married their spouse had they known. With a 50+% rate of divorce in this country, clearly a lack of sexual compatibility must be playing a role but perhaps not as large as some might have thought. Perhaps it comes more from hurt feelings and a sense of not being loved, or at least shown in the way we need to be shown. Do you know what your preference actually is? You might be surprised.Take this little test to find out.http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/husbands/
    • Q19 Do you believe that on some level, seeing an escort has

      enabled you to stay more content in your marriage?


      I was not surprised to see that at least 37% of men felt that it has definitely helped considering 75% of men would still have married the same woman. I am curious however about the 32% that are not so sure about that and the 25% that feel perhaps it has helped. I would love it if some of you would elaborate on what this really means to you in comments section below or feel free to send me an email.

    • Q20 Did you find the questions in this survey too personal?
      Thank you for your honesty and for participating. Many of you have commented to me that they found this one and the others very thought provoking. I guess that is my intention as well as to probe a little more about how men feel about things that we just don’t normally discuss. I will be writing another blog based on the questions and ideas that this survey has generated. I hope I can provide you with a perspective on things that maybe you haven’t considered. With any luck maybe you will find the the information useful to you on some level.
    • Q21 Are you sick of doing my survey’s yet?
      This one made me laugh, 8% said enough already! I ask, what they heck are you doing them for then?? LOL Although I would love it if all my clients participated in every single one, there is zero obligation for you to do any of them! If you are only interested in the results, I ask that you hold off and not skew the data by answering randomly. I will always do a blog and post the completed survey for you to examine.

  

All in all, a very interesting survey for me and I look forward to expanding my thoughts in another post “Why Women Don’t Want Sex”.