Passive Aggressive Behaviour
If your wife is not having sex with you, or nearly as often as you might like, there could be some things going on that you have overlooked.
I believe, one of the biggest reasons women stop participating in sexual relations with their partner, is a passive aggressive response to not having a major need or needs met. She withholds sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. So you are probably asking, what major need is not being met?? I work like a dog, I have provided her with a good home, we have everything to be grateful for, I do my share, I drag the kids all over. What more could she possibly want from me?
A woman wants to have sex with her partner when she feels loved, appreciated and cherished and adored. I can even relate to that in the time I spend with my clients. Ok, so admittedly not everyone is loving me (lol) but almost everyone makes me feel truly appreciated and adored by they words and their actions towards me. They make me feel wanted, needed. I want to have sex with these people!!
So back to her, and the idea that she may not having her needs met, your challenge will be to figure out what they are.
There is a great book I recommend called The 5 Love Languages. It explains that we all feel that we are loved in different ways which I describe below. You may be able to figure it out as well by noticing the things that she probably complains most about. If she says you don’t do this or that, she is trying to tell you that when you don’t, she doesn’t feel loved. Listen, or suffer her passive aggressive payback!
So here are the 5 major ways of expressing love and experiencing feelings of love. Each man and women uses their own combination of these that they use to show others their love. Sometimes how they show it can be different for how they perceive being loved.
Acts of service is a big one for many women. When you think to take out the garbage, change a toilet paper roll, offer to pick up the kids, run some errands for her, fix the broken handle on the pot, mowing the lawn without having to be reminded etc. you get bonus points or deposits into her emotional bank account.
Others believe they are loved and cherished when you want to spend quality time with them. Perhaps for her, that’s when she is getting dinner ready, she wants to use that time to share her busy day with you, or maybe it’s once the kids have gone to bed she would like to sit and chat with you versus turning on the TV, or maybe it’s when you ask to take her out to her favourite restaurant on a Friday night instead of heading out for a beer with the boys. Making time for her when she want’s it, goes a very long way to saying I love you, you matter to me! I don’t mean that you need to be at her beck and call either.
Maybe it’s gifts, perhaps she loves the fact that you stopped and picked up a bouquet of her “favourite flowers” (do you know which are her favourite?), or when you drove all across town to that little shop just to pick her up some of her favourite tea. Or surprising her for no reason other than to tell her you love her, with a gift card for a visit to the spa she had mentioned a few times . It doesn’t have to be big gift, it’s just an opportunity for you to tell her that you adore her. (Before you spend tons of money, be aware that this doesn’t work for all women.)
Words of affirmation, lot’s of women want to hear how you find them attractive, how much you appreciate the dinners she makes, how grateful you are that she keeps the house so tidy. Perhaps being a super mom is important to her, tell her often, how much it means to you to have such a wonderful mother for your children. Leave her notes, buy her cards, send her little text messages, leave her a loving voicemail. Find ways to compliment her on the things that she puts her efforts into if this is her preferred method.
Physical, some of us need to be touched and love to be hugged and kissed. Not necessary all day long but it’s always nice in the morning before heading off to work and when you, or they get home. A loving hand on a shoulder or waist as you pass by, reaching out to touch her hand or holding it while watching television can be good enough. If a women recoils to these it may be, because history has told them that this is the prelude to sex. If she does, you can be sure that unintentionally you have given her the message that you only want to be physical with her when you want to have sex. She may resent that you have been withholding at other times and may pay you back with a cold shoulder.
I cannot overstate the importance of these things. Really give this some thought and see if there is an area where perhaps you haven’t done as well as you could to let her know that she is loved and appreciated. In fact, come right out and ask her if she feels loved. It might feel silly but it really is a good conversation starter. Whatever she says, don’t become defensive, just listen. Take some time to digest what she has said and come up with a strategy to improve in this area. It might not happen over night, but gradually you will wiggle your way back into her heart and hopefully her arms as well. Remember, if she doesn’t feel loved and appreciated, you won’t be having success in the bedroom.
Of course some women are dealing with body image issues, they just don’t feel sexy when they look in the mirror and are pretty sure you won’t think they are either. If it’s her weight, you might be able to gradually help her to shed some pounds by altering your own dietary choices, such as portion control and refusing to eat things you know are not helpful. See Wheat Belly or Why We Get Fat: And What To Do About it, they are fabulous books. As soon as she starts to lose anything, tell her you can see the difference and tell her how proud of her you are, and how happy you are for her too. Positive reinforcement goes a long way.
By the way, women do get turned off by their partners if they have let themselves go too! Especially if the women goes to great effort to take care of herself and he doesn’t.
Hormones also play a big role of course, if she is feeling miserable and moody or any of the other host of nasty things, chances are she is not going to be interested in playing with you either.
There is also an other area of potential discord causing issues in the bedroom. The issue of feedback and asking and telling each other what you like to do and what doesn’t work for you.
I feel like I am in dangerous territory here. The one where the male ego often lurks. For the purpose of this open and honest dialogue, I would ask that you set your ego aside to hear me out.
In the last survey, I separated the people who reported they were happy with their sex life at home and looked to see how they felt about giving their partner feedback. 59% said they were comfortable and also 59% said they would ask her what she wanted them to do differently if she indicated she wasn’t enjoying something.
Contrast that with the folks who are unhappy with the sex at home. Only 31% are comfortable giving her the feedback and 26% who said they would ask her what she wanted them to do differently.
Is it the feedback or communication that is keeping things feeling good for the first group? It might very well be. In any case, the men in the first group didn’t seem to be as sensitive to receiving the feedback, nor were they as concerned about giving it.
When we take things personally, we have feelings of hurt. When we hurt we usually shut down and pull back emotionally. That won’t feel good for anyone in the relationship.
I tend not to take anything personally because I deal with so many people who have a wide variety of preferences. I could not be expected to know, so it’s not personal, it’s not about me and I am certainly not a mind reader. 🙂 Do you REALLY know your wife’s preferences aside from which button to push to give her an orgasm? We can spend an eternity with someone and never know unless we ask.
In my life, when I am in a position to provide feedback, I start with the assumption that this persons truly wants to do something that makes me feel good. I would like that too so I am going to share that with them!! I don’t want to dread the next time we have sex because I didn’t tell him something he was doing, was something I don’t like. How on earth would he know unless I told him? Perhaps his last partner just loved this thing he was doing and the truth is, that I really don’t! It’s not his fault at all, therefore, no need for a bruised ego, right?
Is possible your wife is not enthusiastic to have sex with you because of something you have been doing that she dislikes, but has never told you? Has the way you reacted to her feedback in the past made her afraid to tell you, but now, also she is reluctant to have sex?
This happened to me when I was younger. It wasn’t until my partner asked me why it felt like I didn’t want to have sex with him, that I opened up. He was floored, he couldn’t believe I wouldn’t have just told him but I was afraid he would take it badly. 🙁 What a waste of time.
Honestly, which is worse? I think we know the answer to that. Could you ask your wife if there is something you are doing in bed that bothers her? Just asking her that, tells her you care and might lead to a very frank and open discussion. Leave your ego out of it and just listen for the purpose of restoring your sex life.
Do you dread something your wife does to you that you can barely tolerate? Could you find a way to show or tell her what you would prefer? Hun can we try something? What if you were to put your hand here like this and hold it gently, like this and then you try…..etc. Then provide all kinds of enthusiastic words to reward her for her efforts, that’s all it takes.
If you struggle with how to bring these issues up with her, please feel free to send me an email (use the form on the right) and I will do my best to come up with some ideas that might work for you.
When we can be open and honest with each other about our likes and dislikes, it fosters warm and loving feelings. It doesn’t always take a miracle to restore a sexual relationship but it does take communication at minimum.
You might be wondering, why should I have to take the lead to getting the relationship back on track? Well honey, if you are feeling unhappy and you would like it to be different, something has to change and someone needs to start the dialogue.