What to do about the way things are…

101 Final Respondent’s (deleted 20+ due to incompleteness however)
I feel like this survey was a little more like asking people to take a look at the state of their relationship, how they honestly felt about it and if it needed fixing, asking whether they were prepared to do anything about it.

To see full results of the survey including individuals comments Click Here

 

  • Q1. How old are you and your wife?
    Interestingly 10 men would not answer how old their wives were. Why would that be? Do they feel by answering that they are somehow involving their wives in this? Is their wife much older, or younger? I really didn’t think this was such a personal question. Do you think an age gap plays a role in the dynamics of your sexual relationship?

    Those 5+ years older than spouse  
    17% of Women     25% of Men
  • Q2. Assuming you are unhappy with the frequency of sex, have you

    had a conversation with your wife about it?
    This question did not have appropriate options really. One should have been, I am not unhappy with the frequency of sex. I don’t know if I can interpret the 29% of men who answered no as literally not having had the conversation or whether it was because they are not unhappy with the frequency of sex. Sorry about that!

  • Q3. If yes, did she you give you an explanation that made sense to you?
    48% of people said that no, the explanation didn’t make sense. What do you do in that case? Do you ask for more clarity? Do you shrug your shoulders and say oh well? Do you feel resentful and hurt?
  • Q4. Do you think you may have inadvertently contributed to the state of the physical relationship between you?
    45% feel as though they may have contributed to it. So what does that mean? Since you admit that, do feel a responsibility to help get it back on track? Of the 24% that feel that they have done everything to try and figure it out, what’s next for you?
  • Q5. If “you” would like things to change at home, have you figured out a strategy to improve it?
    35% are working on it. 39% haven’t got a clue where to begin. 19% are going to leave well enough alone. Of the 34 people who answered I am working on it, 55% answered Q4 by saying “they know they probably haven’t helped it”. To me this sounds as though they have recognized their role and have an idea of what it might take to reverse it. That’s awesome!
  • Q6 Does your wife appear to be generally happy and content in the relationship?
    41% feel as though their wife is happy. Of those with happy wives, 93% report that feel they are happy, quite happy and very happy with their life (question 11) Hmmm this seems to support the hypothesis that a happy wife leads to a happy life. What do you think?

  • Q7. If your wife is relatively happy with the way things are, she likely won’t change. Assuming you are not going to leave, you need to find a way to make peace with it. Do you have the tools to do that?
    50% feel as though they have already made peace with it. The rest appear to need some help. It would be interesting if some people would be willing to share what they have done that helped them have some peace around this. Perhaps that’s where the role of the escort comes in?
  • Q8. Do you have someone you can talk with about what’s going on to gain a different perspective? 
    As I suspected, 45% of people feel that this is very private and want to keep it  to themselves or want to work it out on their own. What’s interesting to me is that this whole issue of being unhappy with one’s sex life is so prevalent, yet no one is willing to talk about it. I suppose you can just keep doing what you have always done and of course, you will just continue to get the same response/results. Why are men so afraid of addressing these issues? Or talking about it? I get the whole male ego thing but honestly, you would put that in front of dealing effectively with something that has such a huge impact on your daily life?  I was however pleased to see that 22% would be interested in seeing a coach.
  • Q9. IF things got to the point where you would consider leaving,
    would you seek professional counseling before doing so? 
    29% said yes they would go and 23% yes both would go. I initiated counseling in all three of my marriages, and to be honest, the most helpful counseling was that which I did on my own.
  • Q10. Is your personal happiness of importance to you right now?
    Sadly 26% of people say that their personal happiness is not important right now or that they have other priorities. At first I thought this might be a result of age related issues due to young families etc, however the majority are between 46 and 55. 

    I believe from my personal experience that it is extremely difficult to make others happy, if you are not happy yourself. I think we can become resentful when we feel like we are always trying to please others and our own needs are being forsaken. I’m not suggesting that we should become extremely selfish by any means, but finding that balance is important. 
    In the past 5 years, I was in a relationship with a boyfriend for 3.5 years and I cherished it for many reasons, but particularly because we had the same ideas about taking care of and being responsible for our own needs. We had numerous talks early in our dating where we defined a few parameters that were important for each of us.

    Here are a couple of examples that lead to a very cohesive and easy going relationship. Why this was important was it was also a key to maintaining my personal happiness and reducing stress in my life. I declared that I did not like the commercialism (I am not a material girl)

    and the associated related stress around the holidays when trying to find a suitable “gift”. It was stressful to me to find some gift that was meaningful and accurately expressed my feelings. Is that what gifting is really about? What gift is the right gift to say I love you, or I care about you, or you are ok in my books? I always found that my words or actions were more effective reflections of my heart. Anyway, we both agreed on this and we never bought gifts for each other, for holidays or birthdays even. We would often go out for dinner to celebrate a birthday instead. Having said that, if I was out somewhere any day of the year and saw his favourite chocolates or something else he loved, I would pick them up and give them to him because I wanted to, not because I had to. The impromptu surprise was always welcomed and appreciated and totally unexpected! This worked for us because neither of us value gifts. However, if your spouse or partner is big on gifts, you might as well forget you read this. 😉

    We also agreed that we would have zero expectations that the other person was “automatically committed” to do whatever came up for either of us. If he wanted to go to the car show and I really didn’t feel like it, I would take the opportunity to spend the day with a girlfriend, or get some shopping done, or clean the house or do nothing, if that’s what I wanted. The same went for family events, if I was going to see my sister for her birthday, he was invited but was free to decline if he had something else he would prefer to do. We both loved this freedom to pick and choose. No one was keeping score. (Well I did this when you wanted me to and I didn’t want to, so now it’s your turn!) Imagine, only doing things that you really want to do, with no “Have to’s”! It was truly awesome!!I think this is a part of taking responsibility for our personal happiness. It’s setting proper boundaries that feel good. This of course is much easier to establish in a new relationship versus 10 years in, I get that. However, you might both be thinking the same thing and just assumed the other wouldn’t agree. What harm would it do to bring up the concept, whatever it is for you? What types of things would you change, if you could?

  • Q11. How happy would you say you are in your life generally? Taking into consideration things like, Career, Family, Finances, Relationships, Physical Health, Mental & Emotional Health.
    Of the 73% men who said they are Happy, Quite Happy or Very Happy, 53% believe their wife is happy too. I am glad to see so many people are happy, that’s awesome! I believe that’s why we are here to be honest. To find our joy, regardless of our circumstances. Quite a challenge for many people unfortunately. 7 people skipped this question. Interesting.
  • Q12. If you had one area that you would like to work on, what would it be?
    3
    0% would like to work on their relationship with their wife, 23% want to work on their health, 14% on finances and 10% want to work on their mental & emotional health. I applaud those that said they wanted to work on their mental & emotional health, that takes guts to say so. If you want your life to change, you need to first look on the inside. 6 people skipped this question. Why I wonder?
In summary, I think it is fair to say that marriage is difficult. You have two people with their own ideas, preferences, beliefs and values and you try to blend them into a cohesive life, one that will last forever. The truth is that people change, their preferences can even change. What once was cute and adorable can become down right annoying or irritating. Staying on the same path takes constant communication. 
  • How much have you changed over the years? 
  • Do you still strive for the same things? 
  • What about your wife? Does she seem to have new preferences, new goals or things she wants to focus her attention on? 
  • How involved are you in those things, or do you even want to be?

 

I think I need to write another blog…..